IMPOSTER SYNDROME

Imposter syndrome feels talked to death
But that shit is real

For those that don’t experience it
Good for you, I guess
For me, it’s as natural as breathing
I cannot imagine what life would be like without it

How can I describe it?
I feel mildly hungover, in a fog
Every damned time I put on my big girl pants
Trying to be the badass I keep hearing, and want to believe, is within me

Faking it sucks
Self-doubt is lying in wait ‘round nearly every corner
And the further we progress, it compounds

Well shit. I’m in too deep now
It’s too late to admit I don’t know what I’m doing
I’ve come too far
The house of cards, perilously ready to fall, at any moment

So when you see me shining, riding high
Please know that what you see IS true
I did that. I made that happen.
Equally as real, my perception
That I am a sham of a human
I am terrified of being found out
Caught being less than I’ve made you believe I am

It feels surreal to be wise enough to know better
While still giving credence to the doubts within
Smart enough to know the work is mine to do on me
While still desperately craving reassurance from others that I’m enough

Layer in the responsibility of leading others
I feel like a hypocrite
Do as I say, but please don’t look too closely
Because I don’t always walk my own talk

This is the point at which when things get really real
I’m either going to succumb to this internal bullshit
Or I’m going to fight it, constantly

I choose the battle
Some days I’m a warrior and feel expanded
Other days, I’m a worrier and shrink myself small again

I don’t think the battle ever stops
Relentlessly choosing – I am worthy
Consistent rejection of thoughts to the contrary

There are days when I am too weary to fight
Those days suck
I have amassed an arsenal of tools to help me battle
Some days I forget to use them

But eventually, I pick them up again
And continue to fake it until I become it
Because one day, I’ll look back and realize
I did that. I made that happen.